From Poking to Play: Trauma-informed Principles for Playgrounds
Caroline’s boys at play
From Poking to Play
As a mom of three children who happen to pick up sticks and point them regularly, and who happen to love kicking soccer balls as hard and as fiercely as they can, I’ve had the opportunity to practice and explore my relationship with sticks and kicks. I let my kids play with sticks and hi-yah! their kicks but with my attention and appreciation for how the aim is being used. Instead of jabbing and poking for provocation of power-over that inevitably leads to either an intentional or unintentional hurt (and, thanks to their developing brains filled with curiosity and bodies filled with energy, the lines can get blurry here), I like to emphasize stick-play to claim space and ball-punting for fun, not feisty fouling.
As many hours as I’ve spent at my neighborhood park and after school ball play, and as much as I’ve professionally heard clients tell me about how peer’s pokes, words and jokes have hurt, I was inspired to use my trauma-informed movement knowledge and create these trauma-informed play principles for the playground. You might notice a theme or two about a caregiver’s presence providing the environmental nourishment young ones crave and require so deeply.
Trauma-informed Play Principles
The following “play-mode” principles serve as trauma-sensitive, nervous system-informed, relational and developmental concepts. I pulled from my knowledge of Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in addition to some additions and modifications I suggest from a relational and developmental lens. These four principles can be applied toward groups of all ages from park play, to recreational ball play and even to older-aged competitive athletics and social dynamics:
Presence
Preference
Reaching
Matching/Mismatching
Presence in playing can be supported and co-regulated by a present caregiver serving as a containing environment encouraging play, exploration and teamwork. What about “why can’t they work it out themselves?” Or: “kids need to learn to problem solve on their own.”
We cannot assume everyone has had ideal developmental holding and enough self-regulation to self-handle. Plus, we need at least the first two and half decades of our life, and likely longer, to practice developing ideal self-regulation. As Gordon Neufeld says in Hold Onto Your Kids, peer-led attachment or dependence is not developmentally appropriate or trauma-informed; When one with built-in power authority, like a caregiver or coach, is present and available to hold the playing field with a quality of steady containment, this provides the co-regulation the young ones need to feel supported and present in their own body.
This holding presence—experiencing play and peer dynamics with the support of a present caregiver—can support the play-mode and ability to creatively problem solve, perhaps with a few reminders about camaraderie here and there. This play-mode is also known as Social Engagement System functioning, where the stress response is “off,” and healthy play and even healthy competition is “on.”
And sometimes, the coach or caregiver, does get to intervene, “catch,” and redirect irritation someone might need to release. Once the contralateral movement kicks into gear, feelings, especially if they’ve been shutdown sitting in desks most of the day, are inevitable and need to release! Instead of asking kids to “stop name calling”, or “cut out the incessant fouling,” it’s helpful for caregivers to notice and invite the energy that could be energetically caught by someone like themselves with built-in power authority rather than projected onto peers.
The key in an environment of power differentials is that the one with built-in power authority is present enough to be able to notice intensity escalating, invite the frustration or tension, offer to catch it and help problem-solve and offer regulation versus peers expecting peers (power equality) to “catch” each other’s fight/flight-induced bite. This “play” focus and reminder keeps one’s developmental needs and interest focused on empowering themselves with the support of a caregiver versus poking and projecting upon a peer.
*In Chi for Two, a multigenerational trauma healing method I co-developed, we offer a body-based practice called Potentially Supportive Surfaces that helps to explore relational support in various ways. When we sense relational support from a quality of built-in power authority, a solid Circle of Support, we are better able to stay in play-mode and have an expanded quality of Social Engagement System functioning. When caregivers sense their own support and steadiness, they are better able to be the present and solid containers for the next generation.
Preference for play helps to support choice, consent and intrinsic motivation. Research shows the value of play-based approaches for free time and learning versus constant structured activities or being over-scheduled. Keeping the first principle of presence of a caregiver in mind, this sets up the environment as contained and structured enough for both the players’ unique choices and their authenticity to be more welcome. In lieu of a culture of conformity where everyone is expected to play the same game or agree on the same opinion while secretly squirming with irritation, when one experiences a welcoming of choice, one’s embodied capacity to Know No and freedom to Say No is an option. They are also more capable of sensing their fuller “yes” and an expanded capacity to take action and reach for it (see next principle!).
Ideally, when the caregiver with built-in power authority is present in the playing environment, one has greater access to tap into their gut choice and express their want, which births satisfaction in play (the concepts of autonomy, mastery and purpose as defined by intrinsic motivation). The invitation of choice makes more room for normalizing a culture of not only consent but also satisfaction and celebrating a birthing of what pediatrician/psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott noted in one’s individuation process as their True Self, and as I like to say, feeding one’s deeper hungers!
*In Chi for Two, we have a body-based practice called Knowing No, which invites exploration of one’s relationship with sensing their embodied No to birth a fuller Yes. When caregivers explore their own history and ability (or lack thereof) to express their preference in body-based, welcomed ways, they are eventually better able to offer, recognize and appreciate their children’s unique self-expression.
Reaching to take action becomes a practice of self-support and empowerment. When a social environment or playing field has a quality of being held by a present caregiver, and when choice and autonomy are celebrated with developmentally appropriate boundaries and safety, the opportunity for reaching as an exploratory practice of self support is more possible! When one is welcome to Know No and express it, they are able to have room and clarity for a fuller Yes, which can motivate one’s Reach for something they desire. When a caregiver or holding environment can encourage children of all ages to reach for what they desire (a new game, connection with a friend, an invitation to play with others), this Reaching practice inspires confidence-boosting and skill-building.
Taking effective action in developmentally appropriate ways offers a taste of accomplishment, discovery, challenges and all the feelings that come with the risks and benefits of reaching for one’s needs and wants. When we reach for what we want, we are sometimes pleased and experience a satisfying sense of accomplishment. Sometimes we get disappointed and recognize a loss that could use some support. Children crave and need steady holding, mirroring and processing in a caregiving relationship to experience and move through uncomfortable feelings. When we are relationally supported in experiencing both the pleasure of a satisfying reach and the disappointment of not always getting what we want, we are better equipped for eventual self-regulation versus poking one’s hurt feelings onto peers.
*In Chi for Two, we have a body-based practiced called Reach, which helps one to practice tuning into their center to explore their deep hungers, then exploring the movement of Reach in various ways to taste what it might feel like to get, or not to get, what one wants. When caregivers practice Reach and are able to process their own wins and losses, they develop a greater capacity to be the steady, present container for when their children experience the rainbow of feelings.
Matching/Mismatching dynamics can help support healthy competition, teach conflict resolution and celebrate each player as a star. When we can better recognize that mismatching dynamics are more common than matching dynamics (70/30 as identified by Tronick and Gold in The Power of Discord), we can get more comfortable with the normalization of being out of sync with others rather than having to only show the parts that “get along.” We can better connect and disconnect without losing ourselves! We can better honor each other’s unique talents and journey rather than needing to compare, puff up or gossip to make ourselves feel better.
When parents and caregivers can model appreciating mismatch, explore various perspectives, cheer both wins and losses as well as strengths and perceived weaknesses, and lean away from comparison competitions, young ones are more able to keep the fun in play despite winning or losing. If ones with built-in power authority are self-regulated enough to move through their own discomfort without “flipping their lid,” and when they can celebrate their own peers’ wins and be empathetic for their losses, children are better able to embody healthy competition, and stay in play-mode of Social Engagement System functioning.
When parents and caregivers can model conflict resolution by getting curious about behavior as communication and approaching situations in non-shaming ways, everyone reaps the benefits of an even playing field versus pointing fingers and taking sides. If the ones with power authority are self-regulated enough to be compassionate with their own imperfections and vulnerabilities, they have a better chance at serving as the Circle of Support for young ones when they need compassion versus being controlled into compliance. This connection- and compassion-filled conflict resolution is more appropriate for brain-body integration and can feel more like a creative problem-solving conversation than shameful scolding.
When parents and caregivers can model their own appreciation of their unique talents and gifts as well as their peers’, children will also have a greater capacity for feeling like there is plenty to go around, their world can be a safe place to explore with a more playful approach.
*In Chi for Two, we have a body-based practice called Bubble Dancer, which helps us to maintain our own sense of self and presence, our preference for play, our ability to take action for ourselves, while being able to connect and disconnect with others. This a fun family or group practice to help individuals of all ages practice self-regulation in an experiential play-based way.
Summary
The common theme here is co-regulation requires a caregiver(s) with built-in power authority to provide the Circle of Support to help induce a quality of presence that welcomes preference, reaching for support and taking action, and appreciating both mismatching and matching dances on the playing field.
In an effort to support our children and nourish them with healthy play, caregivers deserve more support than ever as our world knows more about multi-generational trauma patterning, attachment theory and trauma healing. The practices listed in each section offer a tiny glimpse into some of the 40 Chi for Two co-regulation practices, which is a multi-generational trauma healing method I helped to co-develop along with originator Dee Wagner, LPC, BC-DMT, RSME.
Helping caregivers experience their own embodied support allows for their own ability to self-handle their own experiences as well as better serve as an unconditional container of support for the next generation.
Starting February 28, 2023, I’ll be offering an M-Bodied Parenting somatic psychotherapy support group where we will explore body-based co-regulation practices to help caregivers sense more support in an effort to provide the same for those young ones in their care. If you’re interested in finding out more, please contact me here to reserve a spot or learn more. ⭐️
“We will not end white-body supremacy - or any form of human evil - by trying to tear it to pieces. Instead, we can offer people better ways to belong and better things to belong to.” ― Resmaa Menakem, My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Mending of Our Bodies and Hearts